For some odd reason award shows have always fascinated me. It is fun to see the bellyaching about who gets nominated and who doesn’t, then there’s a whole other round of debate about who makes the short list, and finally when the winners are announced, nobody’s ever really satisfied, kyonke but obviously agar apna favourite star nahin jeeta tau yeh sun-ney mein aata hai: bhai yeh awards tau bilkul fixed hain, group baazi hui hai, waghaira waghaira… khair, yeh to hui auron ke awards ki baat… let me share with you all what I was contemplating today ….
What if we were to hand out awards here on DP? Mind you, I’m not talking about the usual run of the mill kinds though… that’s all boring and so done to death. I’m talking about kuch naya, kuch hat ke. For instance, what if our awards were for characters rather than actors? What if we had creative categories like Allah Miyan Ki Gaye (read mazloom bahu) of the year? What if our nominees had to come up with reasons for why they were worthy of your vote? And, yes, the icing on the cake, what if you were to vote for them not with nays and yeahs , but rather with either Ashk hai ya phir Ishq hai?
Sounds confusing? Well fear not, I’m here. Let me illustrate how this would work. See, for instance, if we were handing out awards this year, a typical category would read something like this:
Category: Beeba Baccha
Description
This award is custom designed for the son who just cannot let go of the apron strings. Every step in life is to be taken with amma bawa’s approval, be it where, what, and how much to study, when and to whom to get engaged, when to get married, when to consummate a marriage, and when to have kids. This son’s farmanbardari doesn’t just stop there. Even decisions like ending a marriage are deemed as the parents’ privilege. Such a beta is perfect for everybody, except his wife, she’s a conveniently disposable commodity in this boy’s never-ending quest to please his parents. How many times have we seen a muscled, well-to-do, educated husband tell his bechari si wife: meri majboori samjho, main majboor ho gaya tha, meri majboor thi... majboori being the key word here. So what do you think such a son deserves in return for his blind obedience? Well, duh, but of course, our Beeba Baccha of the Year Award!
Here, in no particular order, are some off-the-top-of-my-head nominees, along with their campaign-for-the-BB-award slogans:
a) Mansoor – Durr-e Shehwaar
I am in the army and trained to look the enemy in the eye and shoot at pointblank range. I can also take a bullet for my country. I live in arduous circumstances and suffer hardships to protect the nation. Yes, indeed, I do all that, but when it comes to my parents, particularly mom, I am rendered completely useless. They tell me when and where to get married. Even after marriage, I do not live with my wife, choosing instead to leave her to do dishes and cook and clean for my family. I do not talk to her unless mom tells when to, and what to say. I think I love my wife, but till my mom tells me it is okay to say so, I will keep my feelings to myself. In short, bhaiyo aur behno, mujhe vote dijeye, mujh se behter beeba baccha aap ko chiragh le kar dhoondne se bhi nahin milega!
b) Aabi – Mataa-e Jaan
Mujhe to kehne ki bhi zaroorat nahin ke aap log mere liye vote karen, main to hoon hi Mr. Perfect. I wear a veritable halo. A golden spotlight follows me wherever I go. I help old ladies cross the road, I cook, do dishes, and pay for repairs of random girls’ cars. I am so perfect that even my fiancée’s daadi loves me. I keep my parents’ pictures on my nightstand, in my living room, and in my wallet. Though I love somebody else, I agree to a fake engagement because my mom tells me to do so. The only thing I ever did wrong was to fall in love with the wrong girl, but then I made up for that by convincing my widow to go look after my parents. Not just in this life but even after I’m dead I worry about my parents. Hai koi mujh jaisa? Dosto, main hoon aapka apna perfect beeba baccha!
c) Ashar – Humsafar
Ab main aap se mazeed kiya kahoon? Meri poor kahani tau aap sab ko azbar ho gayi hai… kis tarah main ne baap ki blackmailing ki wajah se shaadi ki, phir maa ki wajah se biwi ko chor diya, aur baqi saari baaten. Even though I am filthy rich, deadly good looking, and foreign qualified, but before my father’s begging, had never thought of marriage. So busy was I minting money, driving my father to Hyderabad and caring for my phupo that I never even knew my hot khala ki beti was desperately in love with me. Nope, never saw that, never even knew that my mom was almost ready to distribute wedding cards announcing my marriage to the said cousin. Mujh jaisa shareef larka kahan milega apko. Main na sirf ek ideal beta hoon, magar despite of the fact that I sat by while my mom slapped my wife, I am still deemed the ideal son-in law. Main hoon beeba baccha number one!
d) Rohail – Ashk
Even though I’m still not fully known to you all yet, but trust me mujh se bara beeba baccha koi ho hi nahin sakta. I usually keep my nazren neechi and sar jhuka hua when talking to my mom. If I, a thirty old, am caught drinking, I still apologize to her. Like my cousin Ashar (we are related in several ways even though we don’t like to publicly acknowledge our incestuous connections), I am highly educated, but unlike him have lived abroad all my life. Like Ashar, though, I too give in to parental emotional blackmail and agree to marry an older country bumpkin cousin. After various twists in my story, however, I end up getting married to my younger immature cousin, who is incidentally the gaon wali cousin ki choti behen. Now here too, though mom deems me old enough to get married, it is she who, using our own special isharon wali zuban, tells me to stay away from my wife. Basically I look to mom for approval in all matters, conjugal or otherwise. My friend Madeeha says I cannot love anyone except my amma. Ab kyonke aap mujhe abhi tak achhi tarah nahin jaante is liye let me give you added incentive. Like my cousin Ashar, I too am a crybaby (khandaani beemari), magar main to us se bhi zyada rondhoo hoon. Is poore dramey mein main itna rounga ke mere askhon se Pakistan ke paani ke saarey masley hal ho jaynge. A vote for me is a vote for a solution to all your water problems – aapke voton ka muntazir, aapka apna beeba baccha- Rohail!
Other equally worthy candidates for the Beeba Baccha award:
Fahad – Mera Naseeb; Abdul Hadi – Meri Laadli; Ahmer – Mera Yaqeen; Arfeen – Meri Zaat Zara-e Benishaan…
These are just my random picks, feel free to add your own nominees and do share which of these nominees are Ishq worthy or just plain old Ashk-y??? ;-)
Written by SZ ( [email protected])
Follow me on Twitter at SZ_DramaPakistani (@sz_dp)
