OH MY ALLAH!

I’ll be using this expression another time, rest assured, given what lies ahead.

Soooooo… where do I start? Since last week was all about desi inspired dons (and no, I’m not done on that front!) this week we’ll talk about desi romeos. What’s a Desi Romeo, you ask, read on, my lovelies.

If our leading women oscillate between sultry and sullen, can our men be far behind? They might not be helpless, they are certainly not sultry, but they pack copious amounts of chichora charm circa the 90s and à la Govinda at least in Bashar Momin they do. Let’s start with Buland, since I’ve hardly paid any attention to him, yeah I wonder why (?). Our man Buland is best expressed as quelle mysterious (or however the French say it!) – a brooding, possessive, solemn, and serious  creature, he’s far from the lover boy that’ll mesmerise you just by the way he looks at you, talks to you, or smiles at you.

Then why is Rudaba smitten like a fourteen-year-old school girl? As Mr. Bakhtiar waves his magic wand he mesmerises not one but two of our very pretty leading ladies. With rather cliched and cringe worthy pick up lines (yes, I still haven’t gotten over open heart surgery and tattoos) he’s smooth-talked his way into their hearts as Monsieur Magnetique. Beware,  all ye prey, he’s a devil in disguise, and you’d be wise to smarten up!

A banker by profession (talk about cliches!), Mr. BB is Casanova Brown personified and here’s how I came to this conclusion: the charminator works his killer stare on you subtly flashing his expensive smile coupled with a (not-so-)friendly touch at an oddly unexpected moment all the while accompanied by a cocky, well-educated accent. Ring a bell?

I’m not done yet.

On the other hand we have the scruff & gruff, always angry, perpetually shouting Bashar sahab. Desi takes on a whole new meaning with this man! Now, I confess, I don’t know any mafia dons nor am I intimate with what I can best describe as the “super-elite” of Pakistani society – after all if Buland and Rudaba are upper middle class, (right??!) – but I am hard pressed to find a desi man with all shades of NO plastered over him. Yes, listen up ladies, if you encounter this one RUN immediately.

Where Buland wins every price in charm, courtesy, manners, and etiquette, Bashar only elicits our instinctive disdain, perhaps, even hatred. Which is exactly what this episode should have been called: How to hate Bashar in ten days!

If hate is where we’re moving as an audience then let me begin by saying how cringe-worthy the first seven minutes of this episode were. Rudaba’s crying: absolutely horrible, Buland’s poochkaooing: equally horrible, Bashar’s Nancy-Drewing (yes that’s a verb now!): definitely creepy. As I was about to concede to my fate that this would be a lack lustre episode with bad acting, bad writing, bad directing (we’re on a roll here), Tayyaba gave me the laugh I’ve been waiting for all week!

“Bashar bhai, upper-middle-class gharoon mein log ek-doosray kay kitnay kareeb hotly hain na sabko sabki khabar hoti hai.”

This was my O.M.A. moment. First up, who’s writing these dialogues. Second, why are they being given to the cast. And finally, how can you regurgitate ^^ verbatim without once breaking into a fit of giggles. Seriously?! What does upper-middle class or middle-class have to do with anything? The subtle art and exact science of script-writing just went to die in a corner.

Kisi shayar nay farmaya hai: “Chita kaghazon ki hai kya khojatay ho, bhuji raakh mein ab kisay dhondtay ho.” Samajh aayee? If there’s something meaningful we’re looking for we won’t find it here. What we will find is tons and tons of entertainment!

And on that count this episode doesn’t disappoint. Every aspect of the story from the eighth minute refused to fall flat. Bashar’s scheming began pretty early in the episode, so much so, that he now insists Tayyaba and Pari accompany our lovebirds, talk about kebab mein haddi (this one’s for you Disqus!). Ice cream proved a challenge in itself with a contest between (desi) mango and (pardesi) chocolate, subtle Team BM, very subtle!

Who’s the mango, then, I wonder. Hmmm… any guesses?

And right on cue enter the Momin mansion, with Bashar firmly fixated on Buland’s car and Rudaba in it. Was it just me or did Mr. Quraishi have pink/salmon-ish eye shadow in this episode? Not a good look of you, FQ, we like you manly and rugged. We really do! In a world full of Zains, ‘Shams, and Bulands we need a (dare I say it) real-man. Aap to aatayat karein agar make-up wala/i nahi karta/i.

With our lovebirds bidding adieu it’s time for Bashar Bhai’s plans to spring into action. Yes, this means poor Rudaba will feign a few more epileptic shocks and pass them off as Bashar ka khauf. The fact that Rudaba was honest about being scared by Bashar is definitely important and personally, I think, that scene was done very well. That Syed Usman decided to end with it was even better! The smooth transition from Beauty and the Beast (talk about literal!) to Beauty and the Handsome still leaves our damsel in distress. Aab kya hoga?

I’m not a betting kind of guy but if I was I’d bet on Bashar and his plan. What say you?

Until next week,

Shaba Khair aur Rab Rakha

RB (Tweet me!)

P.S. In the writing of this review no desi romeo was harmed.

P.P.S. Adil miyan kyunki aap shaadi-shuda hain aapki awara-gardi kiss aur episode mein discuss karein gay.